Well here I am again and I am ready to talk.
On my way to pick up my 9 year old daughter from her grandmothers (a 2 and 1/2 hour drive) I had a conversation with God. This really shouldn't be a big deal except, I realized that it had been years since I really had a conversation with God. I mean yeah I pray. I mean you have to do that right? But to have a real conversation with God where I'm not afraid to be myself or, where I'm not necessarily asking for anything; that conversation has eluded me like I said for years. Mainly because I was afraid of having the conversation. When you know you aren't doing what you are suppose to be doing, talking to anyone you look to as a parental figure is difficult.
Anyway, from the conversation I realize that I have forgotten who I am. So much so that the question "what makes you happy", took me 5 mins to answer. The thing is it hasn't always been like that. There was a point in my life when I not only knew what made me happy but actually did the things that made me happy.
So the question I have is how and when did this happen? How did I lose myself?
Well for one... I started to looking to someone else to make me happy; which unbeknownst to me is a form of giving up your own power. And once you start giving up your power then you start giving up pieces of yourself, until one day you look in the mirror and wonder who in the world is that person looking back at you.
You guys I want Chanetta back... Not only that I want to define who she is... Because she is more than the attachments that came along with a birth certificate ie: mother, daughter, sister. I know this journey is going to help me accomplish this goal; especially with your help.
Talk with you later
Chanetta
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